Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
You Might Also Like
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid