You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Autocorrect is my menesis
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.