Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you