cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend