Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.