@thelateinnings

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

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@Marmel

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

@Bunnydurden

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

@badbanana

If you tell me you’re a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you’re referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye’s baby.

@thezwickers3

In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.

@TheBoydP

If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead

@LetsQuoteComedy

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

@siano2020

“How can I be racist if I have friends who are black?”

The same way a serial killer can have friends who are alive.

@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@JebTheJarhead

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?