*Sneaks into men’s toilets*
I HEAR THERE’S CAKE IN HERE
cop: did anyone follow you here
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If you tell me you’re a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you’re referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye’s baby.
In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it’s in.
If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“How can I be racist if I have friends who are black?”
The same way a serial killer can have friends who are alive.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?