Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle
Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no
Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo
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(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.