[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*