cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
You Might Also Like
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
rise and shine we got egg
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.