Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
how to have an accident 101
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT