Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
After every one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s lines in DR. STRANGE, turn to your neighbor & say “I guess that’s why they call him Dr. Strange”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]