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@TrueTorontoGirl: Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked.
@TimODee16: Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
@VampireIguana: Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
@Lerky: I've slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
@TheTweetOfGod: One Mississippi... two Mississippi... just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
@DaddyJew: *throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money