Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My blood type is b hungry.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.