Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
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If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
No laws when master is gone
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.