Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

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[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]


[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]


If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”


DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.


My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.


I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.


*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn


Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs