@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

- @2tickytacky

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@Douchekevin

Wife asked if I was going to take out the trash.

Told her I didn’t know her sister needed a ride home.

I’m bleeding. Call 911

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@Dwarven_Cleric

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

@SadieSkyNinja

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.