Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
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The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
that wasn’t the question
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?