Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
You Might Also Like
[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]
GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY-
[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs