Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
You Might Also Like
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.