Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
You Might Also Like
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.