@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I’m about to get REALLY chatty.
C: You’re free to go.

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@robyn_vo

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

@WritePlay

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

@Fuzzylogic2009

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

@MelvinofYork

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

@SJSchauer

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

@thedad

[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?

@blade_funner

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.