Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I’m about to get REALLY chatty.
C: You’re free to go.

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[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.


if Lindsay Lohan can call herself an artist, I can call myself a german shepherd


Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!


Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”


I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…


As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.


“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.


ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops