Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I’m about to get REALLY chatty.
C: You’re free to go.

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I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.


“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”


I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house


My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business


One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday


[commercial for babies]

*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*

Narrator: don’t you hate this?


[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.


My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.