COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
You Might Also Like
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*