cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Shower sex be like:
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes