*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
You Might Also Like
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”
My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this