@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

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@murfect

*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
*opens Twitter*
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

@Oxey_Rotten

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

@DaddyJew

“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”

My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household

@DeanB15

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@arielsonline

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

@stevemarriott

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

@SortaBad

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this