cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Cause of death: Zumba
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom