Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
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At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I found your tweet-up…
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.