Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
The Friday File.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop