I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom
me: good idea
her: what is this on the bed
me: *seductively* paprika
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
WOMAN: Hey big boy
ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying