COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
#SaturdayBears
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I can fix him.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Sticker placement is key.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*