@TheToddWilliams

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

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@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

@jonnysun

me: goodnight moon ūüôā
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars ūüôā
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me

@leifromloihi

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

@_coryrichardson

her: we should try spicing things up in the bedroom

me: good idea

[later]

her: what is this on the bed

me: *seductively* paprika

@thewritertype

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

@rickkondell

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@DrDogMD

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

@GrantTanaka

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying