COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.


mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son


I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season


I didn’t shower today and there has been a gnat flying around my head for several minutes. I think this is how my life as Pigpen starts.


james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on


Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..


No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.


A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”


I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂