God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
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Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Whisper out to librarians!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts