If you love someone, let them sleep.
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
me adding lol on a serious message
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
FRED: right
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*