Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

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Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.


hey look!

*picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement*

how cool is thi ew why is it wet?

“dude, that’s a condom”


This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.


[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.


My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.


Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.


We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.


Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.


[Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!