@buhsbaby_baby

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?

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@ItsMeHelenMary

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

@KeetPotato

hey look!

*picks up a tiny ghost costume off pavement*

how cool is thi ew why is it wet?

“dude, that’s a condom”

@sip_at_home_mom

This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

@Dustinkcouch

doctor: you need to eat healthy

me: no

doctor: the last patient who didn’t change their diet after i suggested it died

me: oh my goodness

doctor: in a plane crash

me: that sounds unrelated

doctor: i’m the one that crashed it. do not disobey me.

@FakeDeanAccount

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

@SuperRandomish

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

@CelebrityChez

(Interview)
Says here on your resume that you’re unpredictable.
(I take a squirrel out of my pants dressed as Batman)
“That’s a rumor”.

@thestlouisan

[Delivery room]

Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob

Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!