GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
You Might Also Like
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.