Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies