Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.