@bingowings14

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

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@timdonakowski

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

@dubstep4dads

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

@HatfieldAnne

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

@ArfMeasures

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

@1followernodad

When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.

Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”

@UncleDuke1969

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

@erichwithach

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.