Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
When you’re checking for murderers in your house, don’t just yell out “hello!” that gives them the upper hand.
Yell, “YOU AINT SHIT!”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.