Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
You Might Also Like
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend