Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
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*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
do horses think humans are hats
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.