@ManiacallySound

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@UnFitz

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

@LeBearGirdle

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@amndw2

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@CelebrityChez

I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

@hoeroins

someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year

@McGrumpenstein

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…