Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.

You Might Also Like


GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:That sounds right


*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*


Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room


orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang


What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*


Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?


I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.


someone just tweeted “do crabs think fish are flying” and i just know this is all i’ll think about for the rest of the year


CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…