[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy
cop: there’s a man in your trunk
me: yea a rich man
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A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
An air horn that looks like a febreze can so you will always know when someone shits at your house
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Thank you, Internet.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.