@apowerfulbird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy

cop: there’s a man in your trunk

me: yea a rich man

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@ibid78

[commercial]
[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS

@GashleyMadison

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

@ABurgerADay

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

@impJOKER

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

@ThaJawn

An air horn that looks like a febreze can so you will always know when someone shits at your house

@OrdinaryAlso

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

@AmericanGent69

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

@Momtoteens

When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.