You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
What do you hear?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK