@apowerfulbird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy

cop: there’s a man in your trunk

me: yea a rich man

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@chrissyteigen

I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I’m a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight

@simoncholland

Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.

@ipalatsky

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

@Lisabug74

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

@LaLuchaNix

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

@crocodilethumbs

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

@KyleMcDowell86

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

@TheCiscoKidder

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

@stewteee

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.