Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
You Might Also Like
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
“i miss shittin on people”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.