The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?
me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group
Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.