Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
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Love this guy
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
bias laundering edition
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?