@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

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@DaddyJew

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

@nayele18maybe

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

@jaelteon

interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role?

me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@JosesLovesYou

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

@OllyiConic

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

@david8hughes

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

@BoomBoomBetty

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

@HatfieldAnne

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.