cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
When the stylist spins you back around
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.