Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started

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[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic


Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.


Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.


Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk


Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.


In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.


Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels