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@BlindChow: COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a parrot.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.