@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

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@Donna_McCoy

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

@awkwardphilippe

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

@RiaWojo

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

@Kryzazy

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

@PresTightrhymes

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

@SlimSinclair

When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.

@trojansauce

[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert]

please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation

@archerenemy

Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…