Tomorrow is bring your hangover to work day.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.
[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert]
please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation
Jackpot is like regular pot, but with a questionable added ingredient…