@thetits

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

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@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

@ericsshadow

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

@MumInBits

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

@Michael1979

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@Storminika

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

@juliussharpe

Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.

@KylePlantEmoji

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

@deadstick_ron

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?