COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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Aaaa…CHOO!
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
So true for me
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
my name if I was in the mob
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.