COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.


My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John’s but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.


There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives


Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door


“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
Me: “You have ice?”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”


Forgot we bought a Christmas tree. Woke up at 2 a.m., went to pee, thought it was a guy and almost called the cops on it.


NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while


Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?