9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
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They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.