Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
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me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry