cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
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“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
それは草
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
me 2 months after i graduated
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)