COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk鈥檇.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Holy moly
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
everyone calm down they鈥檙e just doing a test run of the rapture
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we鈥檙e all fine.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
me: what鈥檚 a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 馃挭
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”