brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
body in my trunk: haha
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So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon