Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue?
Don’t you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
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“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two…
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.