@buttsword

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

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@turtledumplin

Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue?

Don’t you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?

@TheToddWilliams

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

@iwearaonesie

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.

@Kodotropo

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

@RiotGrlErin

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

@RunOldMan

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

@occupied_stall

Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.

@JohnLyonTweets

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.