Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AnniemuMary

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

@The_Albinoshrek

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

@internetluke

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

@RdrJay47

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@GroovyTasia

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

@copymama

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

@loudmouth_usa

My therapist wants me to start coming in twice a week probably because I’m super interesting