COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
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[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.