Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
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Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.