@MiahSaint Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
@sixfootcandy Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
You Might Also Like
@MiahSaint 
@degg the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
@TheTweetOfGod People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
@dmc1138 If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
@Xalqee As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
@Garbage404 Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
@TomItUp “Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
@Rachelnoise They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
@bornmiserable establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
@TheAlexNevil The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.