@onion_an [police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
@sixfootcandy Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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@onion_an 
@pondermymaker Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
@anthonyjeselnik I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
@LurkAtHomeMom I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
@juliussharpe I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. “Guys, we’re all millionaires, none of this matters.”
@lazerdoov Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
@JulianLeeComedy I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
@EliBraden No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
@RealSamHarwood I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour