cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Does your wife know you’re single?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*