Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Anime is real
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen