COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together