COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

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Y’all ever look at old pictures of yourself and think “damn ppl really let me walk around like that” but then u look in the mirror and think “damn it’s happening again”


I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume


I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.


Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.


[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]


I like to cover my tracks by ending all my Google searches with the word “hypothetically”


COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”


It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.


Cashier: would you like a receipt?

Me, suddenly realizing I have nothing in my pockets to throw away when I get home: yes