Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
hi why am I like this
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂