Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages