I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
You Might Also Like
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Sharks are just dolphins who went to the military.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.