Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
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If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.