Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

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god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock


How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO


I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.


My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.


Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends


Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.


Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.


June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok


Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys